Reagan's Story
Reagan's Story
Reagan, she/her
Female
I grew up in an upper-middle class family of four in the suburbs of Richmond - northern Chesterfield County, to be specific. My childhood was, looking back on it, idyllic. I rarely experienced hardships, never went through any traumatic events or got hurt worse than what could be taken care of with a basic first aid kit. I started reading at the age of three, and during my middle and high school years, I went through books at a frightening speed. I've always been close with my mother, but I've only bonded with my dad and younger brother starting more recently.
I honestly can't answer this, because I don't remember the exact circumstances. Some things I can remember with crystal clarity, others fade into the fog. The moment when I started to question who I was? That's one of the moments that I just can't recall. I only know roughly when it was - late May of 2018 - because the first time I introduced myself to someone as 'Reagan', it was over a text chat, and that is still in my chat history with that person.
Although I do identify as female, I don't think I've ever exhibited any of the 'classic' signs of being transfem, like taking an interest in makeup or dresses. Instead, it felt more like I was wearing an extremely itchy suit all the time, and I just assumed that everyone else felt the same way. I read through hundreds of books during my childhood and teenage years, and looking back on it, that may have been a form of escapism: taking my mind somewhere else so that it was no longer burdened by my body. I also got along with girls better than I did with guys in social settings, although I was still pretty withdrawn overall, so the difference wasn't massive.
I truly don't remember what made everything click. I wish that I did - after all, it was quite literally a moment that changed my life. But it's just lost in the fog in my head.
Of course I did. I was worried that I wasn't really trans, that I just wanted to be special in some way, like maybe I was doing it purely for the attention. After all, I'd never felt inclined to wear skirts or paint my nails before, and classically feminine activities weren't all that appealing to me. At the same time, I was also terrified that I wouldn't be accepted by my family. My father's siblings have always been religious, and devoutly religious people have historically had problems with queer people. And the whole thing was so new to me that I couldn't even predict how my more immediate family would react.
The first person I came out to was Zee, who has been my best friend for the past seven years. She was the first one I introduced myself to as Reagan, and she immediately accepted me for who I was. That alone made a huge difference. About six months later, I came out to my mom while she was driving me home from college. I could tell it caught her a little off guard, but she told me that she'd always love and support me. That gave me the courage to come out to everyone else in my life at the time.
Ironically, it really hasn't changed much. I'm still the same person, just with a different name and pronouns than the ones I used since birth. My family, immediate and extended, loves and accepts me for who I am. The one friend I've had since coming out has always respected my identity, and the friends I've made more recently are trans like me. As for my sense of self... I feel like I really know who I am now. I never did much soul-searching before, but now I regularly look inward to make sure I'm being true to myself and who I want to be.
"First of all, you're actually a woman on the inside. You're trans, and a lesbian, and that's okay. Your family will love and support you, and one day, you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror and smile. Second, make more of an effort to study, because otherwise you won't get your IB diploma, only a regular high school diploma, and that's gonna kinda mess you up. Third, try to stay in touch with your high school classmates through social media, because shit's gonna get weird in the 2020s."
Knowing that I'm surrounded by family and friends who love and support me, and feeling that, whatever crazy stuff the world might throw at me, I'll continue to be unapologetically myself.
My only regret is not figuring myself out sooner.
Whoever you are - regardless of race, religion, gender identity, romantic/sexual orientation, personal beliefs, or any of the other thousands of ways that we divide the human race - always be true to yourself. Try new things, even if you need a little push from those around you. You're more likely to regret the things you didn't do than the things you did. Stand up for your values, but never to the extent of hurting others to promote those values. Kindness costs nothing, but means everything. And treat people with respect, unless they prove with their behavior that they are unworthy of that respect.